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Halo: Ruined FOREVER

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"Dear Sarge: kicking ass in outer space, wish you were here!"


YEEAAAAH! ODST

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"In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
"
―Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Halo-Combat Intelligently Designed

This game is perfect in everyway, and everything else has only ruined it.

Fans realize something Microsoft does not, that robust decade-old multi-million-dollar franchises, while seemingly healthy, are in actuality as fragile as two bricks tied together with tissue paper. One mistake, one bad misstep will cause the entire thing to shatter and fall apart; and Halo would be ruined forever.

Fortunately, there is hope. The Halo fanbase has resolved to remain ever vigilant against something that could Ruin Halo Forever, and call out warning if they see something that could potentially do so.

Some Halo conservationists suggest a more extreme approach, that Halo should abandon all attempts at re-invention and instead cater exclusively to the old-school fanbase. Though attractive, this approach may prove impractical as a long-term solution.

Ruined Forever remains a serious threat to Halo now and in the foreseeable future, though it's possible a proposed initiative requiring all Halo fans to purchase an annual "online offset" could ensure our fragile brand's existence through the mid-21st century.


Things that have Ruined Halo Forever in the past

"It's hard to help but think Bungie keeps doing what people ask and getting yelled at for it. People wanted a deeper story so they gave that in Halo 2 and people didn't like it. People wanted a powerful pistol and an MC-centric campaign, they did that in Halo 3 and people didn't like it (albeit the Halo 3 pistol is just a bad idea in general). People (not as many as for some of the other changes) wanted a toned-down or more personal Halo experience and a new character to play as and they were given that in ODST (and Reach although less so) and they didn't like it. People wanted a powerful pistol again, more atmosphere, and more challenge, and were given that in Reach, and still weren't satisfied. What was that quote from a vidoc around a year ago about spinning plates? I totally agree."
―General Vagueness, HBO Forums[1]

1999

2000

  • Bungie forges a Faustian pact with Microsoft the Devil, becoming a part of Microsoft Game Studios. In addition to claiming their souls, the agreement denies a generation of Mac users the greatest game of all time for their superior hardware. Ah, what might have been...

2001

  • Halo: The Fall of Reach is released, shedding much light on the Chief's past and opening up the Halo universe to an extent which it will never be seen in the games. It is a New York Times bestseller, setting up every future Halo novel to fail in comparison to its success.
  • Halo: Combat Evolved is released, earning critical acclaim, forever ruining the Halo franchise.


2002

  • Xbox Live is released 1 year after the most AWESOME game of the 21st century is put out. Don't even lie, Microsoft. You were trolling the hell out of us.


2003

  • Halo: The Flood is rushed into production, William C. Deitz’s fantastic portrayal of the Marine struggle and shedding light onto the Covenant proving insufficient for his portrayal of the Chief as a gung-ho space marine not to ruin the franchise forever.
  • The Halo 2 E3 demo is released to widespread acclaim by gamers and critics. The majority of it will be scrapped before the game is completed, and only represents the tone of the first three levels or so.

2004

  • i love bees is begun, an online advertising campaign that revolutionises viral marketing. It delivers a fantastic story, well-rounded characters, deepens the Halo universe, and is generally awesome. The final verdict? NOT CANON.
  • The highly awaited sequel to the original game, Halo 2 is released, ruining Halo forever even more.
    • Bungie change the Master Chief's armour. What was wrong with gloriously big and blocky? We don't want streamlined and smooth!
    • Halo 1 was perfect, so a sequel will automatically ruin everything we ever loved about it.
    • We don't care about the Arbiter, god, get back to the Chief! What do you MEAN, that's it?!
    • The pistol, which was perfect in every way, is replaced by the Battle Rifle.
    • Marines can finally drive now! Except they drive like drunken badgers!
    • Bees. My god.
    • Dual wielding throws the Golden Tripod right out the window, ruining the experience for all “pro” players.
    • The Brute AI consists of monkeys going batshit crazy.
    • The Covenant speak English? Why must you ruin Halo forever, Bungie?
    • If we wanted a cliffhanger, we’d watch Cliffhanger.
    • Online multiplayer is introduced bringing the experience of Halo 2 to thousands, depriving them of social lives or the chance to ever find a mate.
    • Master Chief wins the Worst Quote in Halo History Award when he says "Sir, finishing this fight."
    • Buggy piece of shit cutscenes? The devil you say!

2005

  • A website created by the Halo 2 clan BlackBoxRepublic merges with a Halo Wikia, becoming Halopedia, an encyclopedia for all things related to Halo. This ruins the Halo Nation forever, worse than anything that ever happens to the franchise itself.
  • Wanting to expand upon the Halo 2 experience, Bungie decides to release extra multiplayer maps, ruining Halo 2's multiplayer forever.

2006

  • Halo: Ghosts of Onyx is released, explaining what the other characters from its predecessor were up to while the Chief was saving the world - shenanigans with their younger, edgier, angstier little kid Spartans on Onyx. Some future semi-self-respecting Halo fanfiction site will be flooded with a million Spartan original characters (do not steal) that are promoted to officers for no apparent reason.
  • The announcement trailer for Halo 3 is released.THE ARMOUR LOOKS A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
  • Halo Wars is announced. Being developed by the award-winning Ensemble Studios, it is instantly ruined forever just by not being Official Bungie Canon.
  • i love bees is embraced as canon? Just HOW High do you even have to BE just to DO something like that......

2007

  • Halo: Contact Harvest is released, showing how the Human-Covenant war began, and also sheds some light on Avery Johnson's past.
  • Halopedia decides to export all their fan fiction to another Wikia site named Halo Fanon. This place for all picky, whiny, snot-nosed fans to congregate ruins Halo's fanbase forever.
  • Following the well-received Halo 2, Halo 3 rounds off the trilogy of the Master Chief, and apparently goes out not with a bang, but a whimper. Bungie is inundated with requests to "haz recon lol," and being teabagged by thirteen year old kids ruins Halo for a new generation of fans.

2008

  • Halo 3: ODST is announced, reusing the Halo 3 engine. Bungie begin the build-up to the announcement, which is then postponed – the fanbase reacts with raucous abuse.
  • Halo: The Cole Protocol is released.
    • A book NOT written by Eric Nylund? Heresy! Blasphemy! BURN THE WITCH!
      • What about Dietz and Staten?
        • BURN THEM TOO!!!

2009

Trollbait2halopedia

The Halo community is nothing if not civil.

  • Award-winning developer Ensemble Studios releases Halo Wars, a real-time-strategy game, becoming the first external developer to ruin Halo forever.
  • Bungie breaks away from Microsoft, selling Halo their souls in exchange for their freedom. Microsoft announce the creation of 343 Industries to oversee the development of the Halo franchise, prompting coughed declarations of “cash cow” among many. You're not my real dad Bungie!
  • Halo: Uprising is released after appalling publishing delays. It may have an adequate story, and awesome artwork, but it is still a sign that Microsoft doesn’t care and never did!
  • Halo 3: ODST is released.
    • We should be fighting Elites, not Brutes! Canon is ruined!
    • Flashbacks? What is this, Lost?
    • Why so much exploration before the action? Linear levels were so much better!
    • The absolutely perfect Battle Rifle is replaced with the M6C/S Pistol.
    • Playing as ODST homage’s to Firefly? I don’t care, I want my Spartans!
    • Firefight? If I wanted to kill Covenant, I’d play campaign.
    • No new multiplayer but still the same price? What is this heresy?
  • The Halo Encyclopedia is released, shedding light on darkened corners – though with so many errors that it is declared to have ruined Halo forever all on its own.
  • 343 Industries announce and begin to release Halo Legends, abandoning American animators and planting the flag of Halo on Japanese shores.

2010

Batfrank

Batfrank and The Boy Ellis are here to kick gum and chew ass. And they're all out of gum.

Halo 3 Kanye

Even Kanye West thinks Halo has been Ruined FOREVER.

2011

  • Halo: Cryptum is released, staying at #22 on the New York Times Bestseller list for two weeks. It deals with the Forerunners culture and history, and thus ruins an ancient enigmatic race forever.
  • Dead Space? In my Halo? WHYYYYY?!
  • A remaster of the PERFECT GAME is announced at E3. Obi-Wan Kenobi has to sit his old ass back down as thousands of voices cry out in terror, and are suddenly silenced.
    • The Hand of God M6D is back? DEATH TO FRANKIE!
    • It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You left out the original Halo multiplayer, reducing it to a Reach map pack, so you get NOTHING! You LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!
      • But it would have competed with Reach, which is counterprod-
        • I SAID GOOD DAY!
    • There's a Firefight map? And it doesn't have the Flood? Worst. Game. Ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
  • The announcement of Halo Anniversary is followed by a trailer for Halo 4: Electric Boogaloo.
    • 343i changed the Master Chief's armour. What was wrong with gloriously smooth and streamlined? We don't want big and blocky!
      • Forget the armour, what the hell happened to the Chief's codpiece? Is the tutorial a quest to visit the Codsmith and steal a "Hull of the Flagship"?
    • Why isn't there any new information? Why won't you tell us, 343i? If you don't hurry up, WikiLeaks the French will beat you to it!
  • Karen Traviss anywhere near the series. 'Nuff said.
  • A few Halo novels are reissued in new editions, with bonus content and canonical maintenance. Isn't that a good thing? You’d think so, but you'd be wrong.

2012

BlunderofTheCentury
  • If I wanted to read a book about walking, I'd read The Lord of the Rings. Again.
  • 343i unveil the Master Chief, and details on Halo 4.
    • The public get a glimpse of actual in-game footage of the Chief in his new armour.
    • No beta test? Nonsense, there's a signup right her-OHMYGODWHERESMYMONEYGOING?!?!
    • The absolutely perfect DMR is replaced with the Battle Rifle...OR IS IT?!
    • I don't get the controversy over "perks". Everyone was asking for a COD piece!
    • The SPARTAN-IVs win the prize for most generically bland helmet of 2012.
  • Karen Traviss declares war on Thursday.
  • Recruiting of British actors for Halo 4 causes accusations of "OMG DATS RACIST."
  • Forward Unto Dawn is released.
    • Live action? Pah, it will never work.
    • "Call me Master Chief." I cringed so hard I nearly died.
    • Kelly and Fred show up for about five seconds. 2/10 needed more Spartan action. And they TAKE OFF THEIR HELMETS and REVEAL THEIR AGE to UNAUTHORISED PEOPLE ARGLEBLARGLEAAAARGH.
  • Gameinformer reveals that, surprise surprise, Halo 4 is going to ruin Halo forever. Are you noticing a pattern yet?
Meme - PeteTheDuck

2013

2014

2015

Objection

OBJECTION!

  • Sarah Palmer is outwitted by a one-armed old lady. Perhaps she'll realise that maybe, just maybe, Halsey isn't quite the sadistic murdering super-Nazi responsible for everything bad ever as made out by Traviss ONI propaganda?
  • Guess not.
  • In the meantime, there's some inconsequential story about glassed planets starring a new character named Tanaka. It's not like she's going to, I don't know, become a - oh.
  • Halo:New Blood is released.
    • FIRST BLACK TEAM, NOW THIS?! YOU MONSTERS, 343i! YOU MONSTERS!
    • Edward Buck becomes a Spartan. I guess he could get better.
    • Romeo continues to be a huge dick to everyone about everything.
    • Dutch retires, sparing the Halo universe being connected to a post-GamerGate Adam Baldwin.
    • Michael Crespo did nothing wrong.
    • The SPARTAN-IV Program continues to attract traitors like flies to shit. Not very competent ones, mind, considering their current track record.
  • Hunt the Truth begins.
    • A radio drama? What is this, the 1930s?
    • 343i scoops some guy with blue hair and a funny last name out of the 'characters nobody cared about' bucket as our protagonist, now voiced by Keegan-Michael Key.
    • Chief Mendez makes his triumphant return to the Haloverse by being a good boy and doing what ONI tells him, after last being seen stating that he'd think about it if given more shady orders.
    • Is FERO Halsey? Yes No Yes No Yes Maybe? NO.
    • I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY, MASTER CHIEF DID NOTHING WRONG-oh wait, he actually didn't.
    • Ben? Ben?! BEEEEENNNN!!!
  • Spartan Strike is released. The word 'meh' is thrown around a lot in connection with it.
  • Halo 5 is released.
And I for one welcome our new Guardian overlords.

2016

"I'm pretty sure when you look up "reading way too much into things" in the dictionary, it just links to this thread.
We should have much more about the project in CF this week, but suffice to say, i feel like we've reached a fun balance of letting players role play as an awesome Sangheili warrior in a super cool fighting game scenario/universe, including giving them the option to have that character appear as the Arbiter they know and love.
Complaining about and dissecting marketing intent, voice acting, and naming conventions are completely missing the proverbial point, and just comes off sounding like unsatisfyible bitching for bitchings sake.
Still love you guys though. Mostly.
"
―<3 GrimBrother One
  • 343 Industries and Double Helix games revealed that the Arbiter would feature as a playable character in the reboot of Killer Instinct. When a trailer with a voiceover, the fans immediately cried foul, pointing out that the entirely non-canon hybrid of various Arbiters was not voiced by Keith David, preemptively ruining the game.
  • 343 Industries abandons the long-standing partnership between Halo and the greatest manchildren's toy company ever in favor of those guys who make Hot Wheels . . . and it actually looks pretty good. But it's still a change, and ruins the sacredness of how underground the action figures were.

Things that will no doubt Ruin Halo Forever in the future

Meme - 343

That's right, boys and girls. Just keep at it, and eventually they'll get the message.

External Links

This page is based on the Transformers Wiki article "Ruined FOREVER", which is licensed under the GFDL.

References

  1. General Vagueness, Halo.Bungie.net forums

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