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Halo: Ruined FOREVER

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"Dear Sarge: kicking ass in outer space, wish you were here!"


YEEAAAAH! ODST

This article, Halo: Ruined FOREVER, is a work of humour, and is not in any way intended by the author to be taken seriously. If you feel that this article is not an appropriate use of the humour template, please be sure to find information regarding the use of the Humour Template by visiting this page before making such a claim.

"In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
"
―Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Halo-Combat Intelligently Designed

This game is perfect in everyway, and everything else has only ruined it.

Fans realize something Microsoft does not, that robust decade-old multi-million-dollar franchises, while seemingly healthy, are in actuality as fragile as two bricks tied together with tissue paper. One mistake, one bad misstep will cause the entire thing to shatter and fall apart; and Halo would be ruined forever.

Fortunately, there is hope. The Halo fanbase has resolved to remain ever vigilant against something that could Ruin Halo Forever, and call out warning if they see something that could potentially do so.

Some Halo conservationists suggest a more extreme approach, that Halo should abandon all attempts at re-invention and instead cater exclusively to the old-school fanbase. Though attractive, this approach may prove impractical as a long-term solution.

Ruined Forever remains a serious threat to Halo now and in the foreseeable future, though it's possible a proposed initiative requiring all Halo fans to purchase an annual "online offset" could ensure our fragile brand's existence through the mid-21st century.


Things that have Ruined Halo Forever in the past

"It's hard to help but think Bungie keeps doing what people ask and getting yelled at for it. People wanted a deeper story so they gave that in Halo 2 and people didn't like it. People wanted a powerful pistol and an MC-centric campaign, they did that in Halo 3 and people didn't like it (albeit the Halo 3 pistol is just a bad idea in general). People (not as many as for some of the other changes) wanted a toned-down or more personal Halo experience and a new character to play as and they were given that in ODST (and Reach although less so) and they didn't like it. People wanted a powerful pistol again, more atmosphere, and more challenge, and were given that in Reach, and still weren't satisfied. What was that quote from a vidoc around a year ago about spinning plates? I totally agree."
―General Vagueness, HBO Forums[1]

1999

2000

  • The Halo: Combat Evolved E3 trailer is released to much anticipation, ruining the game forever before it even came out
    • Third-person shooter? Get out. Just...just leave.
    • Gauss Warthogs? Unacceptable! I banish thee until the stars align, the time is right, and Great Cthulhu rises from his dead slumber Halo 2 is released!
    • Marines that can drive human vehicles? Damnit man, that makes no sense! They shall drive Ghosts, and nothing else!
    • Robot Master Chief? BOOOOOOOOOOOO!
  • Bungie forges a Faustian pact with Microsoft the Devil, becoming a part of Microsoft Game Studios. In addition to claiming their souls, the agreement denies a generation of Mac users the greatest game of all time for their superior hardware. Ah, what might have been...

2001

  • Halo: The Fall of Reach is released, shedding much light on the Chief's past and opening up the Halo universe to an extent which it will never be seen in the games.
    • Recruiting children? But they're not Jedi!
    • Rebels? As in human enemies? Impossible!
    • The Spartans all died? Totally did not see that coming!
  • Halo: Combat Evolved is released, earning critical acclaim, forever ruining the Halo franchise.
    • No online multiplayer? Ruined forever, even if practically no other games had pioneered it yet.
    • Absolutely linear levels? We need some exploration!
    • The pistol is an overpowered godkiller, ruining the experience of countless people playing a game in their parents’ basement forever.
    • Why can't the Marines drive the vehicles? I'm sick of never getting shotgun!
    • Is...is Cortana naked? I legitimately cannot tell!
    • The AI is innovative and intelligent, preemptively ruining Halo forever when sequels fail to live up to it.

2002

  • The Halo: Combat Evolved soundtrack is released.
  • Xbox Live is released.
    • Of course it's released 1 year after the most AWESOME game of the 21st century is put out. Don't even lie, Microsoft. You were trolling the hell out of us.
  • Halo 2 announcement trailer? As in a Halo sequel? DO NOT WANT!

2003

  • Halo: The Flood is rushed into production, William C. Deitz’s fantastic portrayal of the Marine struggle and shedding light onto the Covenant proving insufficient for his portrayal of the Chief as a gung-ho space marine not to ruin the franchise forever.
  • Halo: First Strike is released, explaining how the Chief and his team are to get back to Earth after the destruction of Alpha Halo.
    • Johnson? But he was hugging that Elite!
    • That's the Arbiter the Chief fought, right? Don't even lie!
    • So some of the Spartans survived? No, the Chief is supposed to be the last Spartan alive!
      • But aren't you glad more of them are alive so humanity stands a better chan—
        • THE LAST SPARTAN ALIVE!
    • Time travel? NCF!
  • The Halo 2 E3 demo is released.
    • A Halo sequel? Nein nein nein nein nein nein nein nein nein...!
    • Dual-wielding? No, do not change anything from the original game!
    • Johnson's alive? I have never read a Halo novel, so this can't be!
      • "Sorry Gunny, it's classified." Hmph! MY ASS!
    • Two new Covenant species? This is unacceptable!
    • Brutes on Earth? This is unacceptable!
      • Why have I never seen this species before? I have never read a Halo novel, so this can't be!
    • ODSTs on their own planet Earth? Zis is unacceptable!
      • What the fuck are ODSTs? I have never read a Halo novel, so this can't be!

2004

  • i love bees is begun, an online advertising campaign that revolutionises viral marketing. It delivers a fantastic story, well-rounded characters, deepens the Halo universe, and is generally awesome. The final verdict? NOT CANON.
  • The highly awaited sequel to the original game, Halo 2 is released, ruining Halo forever even more.
    • Bungie change the Master Chief's armour. What was wrong with gloriously big and blocky? We don't want streamlined and smooth!
    • Halo 1 was perfect, so a sequel will automatically ruin everything we ever loved about it.
    • We don't care about the Arbiter, god, get back to the Chief! What do you mean, that's it?!
    • The pistol, which was perfect in every way, is replaced by the Battle Rifle.
    • Marines can finally drive now! Except they drive like drunken badgers!
    • Bees. My god.
    • Dual wielding throws the Golden Tripod right out the window, ruining the experience for all “pro” players.
    • The Brute AI consists of monkeys going batshit crazy.
    • The Covenant speak English? Why must you ruin Halo forever, Bungie?
    • If we wanted a cliffhanger, we’d watch Cliffhanger.
    • Online multiplayer is introduced bringing the experience of Halo 2 to thousands of, depriving them of social lives or the chance to ever find a mate.
    • Master Chief wins the Worst Quote in Halo History Award when he says "Sir, finishing this fight."
    • Buggy piece of shit cutscenes? The devil you say!

2005

  • A website created by the Halo 2 clan BlackBoxRepublic merges with a Halo Wikia, becoming Halopedia, an encyclopedia for all things related to Halo. This ruins the Halo Nation forever, worse than anything that ever happens to the franchise itself.
  • Wanting to expand upon the Halo 2 experience, Bungie decides to release extra multiplayer maps, ruining Halo 2's multiplayer forever.
    • You want us to pay MONEY for this stuff? Awesome joke, guys...guys?
    • Extra multiplayer maps? Thank you, thank you, thank you, Bungie we love you, you are so awesome!
    • No, Bungie, why do you hate us? The multiplayer was fine, go make Halo 3 already!
    • We get the Auto-Updates on the disc? This is awesome, it makes it so wonderful and balanced now!
    • Auto-Updates with the disc? OMG, Bungie, the game was perfect before, why are you messing it up?!?

2006

  • Halo: Ghosts of Onyx is released, explaining what the other characters from its predecessor were up to while the Chief was saving the world.
    • SPARTAN-IIIs? I'm gonna fucking kill someone...
    • A Spartan officer? What's the worst that could happen?
    • Oh, great cliffhanger. Almost as bad as the ending to Halo 2.
  • The announcement trailer for Halo 3 is released.
  • Ensemble release the announcement trailer for Halo Wars,
  • Halo Wars is announced. Being developed by the award-winning Ensemble Studios, it is instantly ruined forever just by not being Official Bungie Canon.
  • i love bees is embraced as canon? Just HOW High do you even have to BE just to DO something like that......

2007

  • Halo: Contact Harvest is released, showing how the Human-Covenant war began, and also sheds some light on Avery Johnson's past.
    • A smart Grunt? There's a contradiction...
    • Brutes? But they weren't seen until 2552!
    • Jenkins? But...that means he's a Private for twenty-seven years! Wow, career advancement opportunities must be few in the UNSC.
  • Halopedia decides to export all their fan fiction to another Wikia site named Halo Fanon. This place for all picky, whiny, snot-nosed fans to congregate ruins Halo's fanbase forever.
  • Following the well-received Halo 2, Halo 3 rounds off the trilogy of the Master Chief, and apparently goes out not with a bang, but a whimper.

2008

  • Halo 3: ODST is announced, reusing the Halo 3 engine. Bungie begin the build-up to the announcement, which is then postponed – the fanbase reacts with raucous abuse.
  • Halo: The Cole Protocol is released.
    • A book not written by Eric Nylund! Heresy! Blasphemy! BURN THE WITCH!
      • What about Dietz and Staten?
        • BURN THEM TOO!!!

2009

Trollbait2halopedia

The Halo community is nothing if not civil.

  • Award-winning developer Ensemble Studios releases Halo Wars, a real-time-strategy game, becoming the first external developer to ruin Halo forever.
  • Bungie breaks away from Microsoft, selling Halo their souls in exchange for their freedom.
  • Microsoft announce the creation of 343 Industries to oversee the development of the Halo franchise, prompting coughed declarations of “cash cow” among many.
    • You're not my real dad Bungie!
  • Halo: Uprising is released after appalling publishing delays. It may have a good story, and awesome artwork, but it is still a sign that Microsoft doesn’t care and never did!
  • Halo 3: ODST is released.
    • We should be fighting Elites, not Brutes! Canon is ruined!
    • Flashbacks? What is this, Lost?
    • Why so much exploration before the action? Linear levels were so much better!
    • The absolutely perfect Battle Rifle is replaced with the M6C/S Pistol.
    • Playing as ODST homage’s to Firefly? I don’t care, I want my Spartans!
    • Firefight? If I wanted to kill Covenant, I’d play campaign.
    • No new multiplayer but still the same price? What is this heresy?
  • The Halo Encyclopedia is released, shedding light on darkened corners – though with so many errors that it is declared to have ruined Halo forever all on its own.
  • 343 Industries announce and begin to release Halo Legends, abandoning American animators and planting the flag of Halo on Japanese shores.

2010

Batfrank

Batfrank and The Boy Ellis as here to kick ass and chew gum. And they're all out of gum.

Halo 3 Kanye

Even Kanye West thinks Halo has been Ruined FOREVER.

2011

  • Halo: Cryptum is released, staying at #22 on the New York Times Bestseller list for two weeks. It deals with the Forerunners culture and history, and thus ruins an ancient enigmatic race forever.
    • Bungie intentionally created 7 installations; why do you need more to work with? FFS can't you just leave things the way they are?!!?!??!!112
    • Ancient space-faring human empires? What? NOOOO!
    • You...you mean the Forerunners aren't human? But...but...
  • Dead Space? In my Halo? WHYYYYY?!
  • A remake of the PERFECT GAME is announced at E3. Obi-Wan Kenobi has to sit his old ass back down as thousands of voices cry out in terror, and are suddenly silenced.
    • The Hand of God M6D is back? DEATH TO FRANKIE!
    • It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You left out the original Halo multiplayer, reducing it to a Reach map pack, so you get NOTHING! You LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!
      • But it would have competed with Reach, which is counterprod-
        • I SAID GOOD DAY!
    • OMG THE DIDACT IS STILL ALIVE I AM TOTALLY NOT HYPING MYSELF UP TO BE LET DOWN LATER!
    • There's a Firefight map? And it doesn't have the Flood? Worst. Game. Ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
  • The announcement of Halo Anniversary is followed by a trailer for Halo 4: Electric Boogaloo.
    • 343i changed the Master Chief's armour. What was wrong with gloriously smooth and streamlined? We don't want big and blocky!
      • Forget the armour, what the hell happened to the Chief's codpiece? Is the tutorial a quest to visit the Codsmith and steal a "Hull of the Flagship"?
    • Why isn't there any new information? Why won't you tell us, 343i? If you don't hurry up, WikiLeaks the French will beat you to it!
  • Karen Traviss anywhere near the series. 'Nuff said.
  • A few Halo novels are reissued in new editions, with bonus content and canonical maintenance. Isn't that a good thing? You’d think so, but you'd be wrong.

2012

BlunderofTheCentury
  • If I wanted to read a book about walking, I'd read The Lord of the Rings. Again.
  • Title Update? ALL OF MY HATE!
  • McFarlane Toys release an image of the new and improved Halo 4 Master Chief.
  • 343i unveil the Master Chief, and details on Halo 4.
    • The public get a glimpse of actual in-game footage of the Chief in his new armour.
    • No beta test? Nonsense, there's a signup right her-OHMYGODWHERESMYMONEYGOING?!?!
    • The absolutely perfect DMR is replaced with the Battle Rifle...OR IS IT?!
      • Is it BR55 or BR85? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER GUYS!
    • I don't get the controversy over "perks". Everyone was asking for a COD piece!
    • The SPARTAN-IVs win the prize for most generically bland helmet of 2012.
    • Multiplayer being integrated into canon? You mean it's NOT been canon all this time? OH MY GOD...MY LIFE IS A LIE!!!
  • 343i declare war on Thursday. What's next, Friday?
  • Recruiting of British actors for Halo 4 causes accusations of "OMG DATS RACIST."
  • Gameinformer reveals that, surprise surprise, Halo 4 is going to ruin Halo forever. Are you noticing a pattern yet?
Meme - PeteTheDuck
    • No Elites in multiplayer?! You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
    • No Firefight? Don't you even know why people PLAY Halo?
    • Spartan Ops? 343i, Treyarch called and they want their originality bac-AHAHA oh who am I kidding, I couldn't finish that sentence with a straight face either.
    • Multiplayer is Red vs Blue Spartans fighting in training simulators. Confirmed: Master Chief's last name is Neo.
      • Well, he does kill thousands (millions?) of enemies, respawns periodically, and has an affinity for machines. And he still has more personality and is more engaging than Keanu Reeves.
    • Didact kills Dumbledore Cortana.
    • Randomised power weapon spawns. No respawn delay. Multiplayer is RUINED. FOREVER.
    • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
  • Ten minutes of beta test footage set to a shitty soundtrack is leaked to Youtube, revealing jack shit we didn't already know. Ruined for- oh. Oh, hang on, that...actually looks kind of fun.
    • Is that a grenade pistol? Why would a pistol shoot grenades? That's just silly.
  • 343i show off a level of gameplay at E3. Everything went...better than expected?
  • Just when we all thought 343 Industries couldn't sink any lower, they make Spartans into their own UNSC branch.
    • What is this...I don't...I can't...

2013

2014

Things that will no doubt Ruin Halo Forever in the future

Meme - 343

That's right, boys and girls. Just keep at it, and eventually they'll get the message.


External Links

This page is based on the Transformers Wiki article "Ruined FOREVER", which is licensed under the GFDL.

References

  1. General Vagueness, Halo.Bungie.net forums

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